So about two weeks ago, I came up with this clever and hilarious idea—at least in my brain—to write reviews of books, movies, TV shows—I guess just pop culture in general—from the perspective of my kitty, Albus, and my pup, Nellie. What will follow today will be a post of the animals’ thoughts on the movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, or at least what I think they would have to say about the movie, had they been allowed to accompany us to the theater.
Before I begin what I hope to be a series of posts of a similar fashion, I feel as though I should properly introduce my animals, so that you can understand from where their opinions may originate.
First is my original fur-baby, Albus, who was named for the illustrious Albus Dumbledore—although most people think his name is Elvis upon first hearing his name. Albus is a magical kitty. There are a number of ways to describe Albus: handsome, acrobatic, (slightly) uppity, playful, solitary, wise, etc. However, for today, I will go with finicky.
Albus is finicky in the love he gives—as are most cats, I know. When I read before bed, he will saunter up my legs, peer over my book, and then either pull the book down or just climb over the damn thing, so that he is sitting two inches from my face. Then he nuzzles me. (It’s adorable.) I usually push him to the side so that I can continue reading and simultaneously give him some pets. After Albus has had enough—anywhere from 10 seconds to 3 minutes, usually—he hops up and tries to drink from my water cup on my bedside table. Which I never let him do. Nope. That would be weird… But anyway, this is an example of when Albus wants to be near me. If I happen to discover him just being cute and want to pick him up, he will literally kick all four of his legs straight out in front of him so that it’s impossible for me to snuggle him. Jerk.
Now, Nellie, is nothing like Albus. And that’s not just because she is a girl, and a dog. Actually, that’s not true: Nellie also likes to climb up and sit two inches from my face, but she doesn’t nuzzle me, she licks me. Nellie is the princess in our house. (I’m afraid of what it will be like when Steve and I have real babies because we baby talk this dog an embarrassing amount.) Nellie is a snugglebug. Currently she is under the blankets of our bed, in the crook of my husband’s legs as he sleeps before work. The first time my sister spent the night dog-sitting for us, she was really weirded out when Nellie stood up at the head of the bed and started nudging at her face. But Nellie was just trying to get under the blankets. (I know, I know, it’s bad. It’s our own fault. We let this happen. There’s no going back.) Nellie’s other favorite hobbies include running in frantic circles in the back yard, playing with sticks three times her size, eating cat poop, and bothering Albus.
Nellie and Albus’s relationship is typical of cat-dog brother-sister pairs. They bicker, Nellie chases Albus or tries to sniff his bum, and Albus smacks her on the nose. I just wish they would snuggle, damnit.
So, let us move on to the next section of today’s post: Albus and Nellie’s review of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I’ll see you at the end.
**I would just like to point out before this begins that I am NOT a movie pro, and these are the thoughts of animals. Obv.**
Reviews by Albus & Nellie. Episode 1: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
As far as humans go, this Eddie human is interesting. He did not make a lot of eye contact; I think he was showing his respect for the cats in the audience. Apparently his character is a bit of a loner; he says that people don’t generally like him. This makes him an ally to me. However, I noticed that he wore very large shoes that made me want to pounce on and attack him. I would let him pet me for up to four seconds.
There were a lot of other animals in this movie, which I did not appreciate. They were colorful, noisy, strange, and just off-putting in general. I liked the cat-like one, called the Nundu. It is described as the most dangerous creature. I respect the fear he inspires. There should have been more cats. And less of those Niffler creatures that were so disgracefully running amuck.
Overall, I give it 3 paws: 1 for the loner, Newt; 1 for his large shoes/ play things; and 1 for the Nundu.
Minus points for too few cats, too much noise, and a lot of humans shouting.
What a great movie! I loved all the excitement! There was a lot of running. Running is my favorite thing to do! And there were people everywhere! People are my favorite! There was a blonde lady, she was nice; and there was a lady with dark hair, she was brave; and there was a man with food! But my favorite human was Newt because he was such a good Mum to all his pets; I would love to go to his case and play with him and all his creatures! I liked all the other humans in the movie, too. Except the one who was mean to all my friends. And the one that turned into the dark cloud. I barked at him. He scared me.
The creatures were my favorite! They roared, and they could fly. There were some that were big, some that were small, and some that could change their size! Some of them were even combinations of animals! I’ve never seen anything like it! They are all my friends now. Especially the Niffler. The Niffler and I are both curious and love to go on adventures for treasure. Adventures are my favorite thing! I wonder if Albus wants to be friends with him, too?
I give this movie 4 paws! One paw for all my favorite things: running, humans, my friends, and adventures!
Ok, I did my best here guys. This was my first go at writing in my pets’ voices; it was definitely a challenge, but one that I hope to try again. Let me know what you thought in the comments—I’d love to hear your feedback on the animal voices and/ or any suggestions for movies/ books/ shows you think Albus and Nellie might like to review in the future!