Wake Up Call #1

I have decided (with the help of my husband and family) that every Monday I will post a random assortment of quotes and/ or thoughts that I have written in my journal or my phone. They serve no purpose other than to make you laugh (hopefully).

We all know how Mondays can be, so hopefully this wake up call is not as sad as your alarm going off.

monday

After I ghosted at my own party on Friday, discussing it with my sister and husband:

Me: I took my pants off, laid down, and thought to myself, “Oh no, I’m doing it again. Fun things are going to happen without me.” But once my bra was off, there was no going back.

Husband: That’s like the Kermit meme–

kermit


Friend A: My co-worker that went to Michigan with us–

Me: That you smoked pot with?

Friend A: Yes. Well she texted me and was like, “I need the rules for Kiss of Death.”

Me: What? Do you mean Circle of Death?

Friend B: Were you guys making out during Circle of Death?!

Me: Maybe she was thinking of the Dementor’s Kiss?

Friend A: Yeah, Becca, she was definitely referring to Harry Potter…


“I tell my students, ‘Life is hard,’ like when they complain about writing a paragraph.”

“It’s like seriously? Rent is due!”

“I’m forty thousand dollars in debt!”

“Just to be here to listen to you complain.”


“I’m a dumpster for alcohol.”


As I hum and then release a sigh of happiness, my friend says, “What? Are you, like, inspired by your voice?”

*Laughter*

“Don’t act like that’s not something you’d do!”


Friend: Have you ever had sex–

Sister: No.

Friend: No, I didn’t finish…

Sister: Yeah, me neither. *Smirks*


“Guys. This wine tastes so good as it hits my belly.” -A friend and her first drink post-baby.


Me to my sister: Who’s your favorite?

Sister: Between the two of you? (Looking pointedly at friend and me.)

I nod.

Sister: Myself.


“I think I stink a little.” I sniff my armpit.

“Here let me check,” says Friend. Sniffs. “Yeah, it doesn’t smell great…”


“This isn’t a fork anymore. It’s a microphone.” -Sister

(I also included #Bob when I wrote this in my journal. But I don’t know why.)


“I feel like ‘Dildos in the Kitchen’ would make a great rap song.”

(I have no memory of who said this. But I am SO glad I wrote it down.)

Ok, that’s all for now.

youre welcome.gif

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