Good morning fellow human beings! It’s Monday. Grab a cup of coffee and read your wake up call.
Me: I am the Slug Bug Queen.*
Friend: Yeah, so was I, when I was like ten.
*Seriously, though, I’m so good. It makes Husband super mad.
At dinner in Punta Cana:
Husband: Can I have a cerveza?
Waiter: What size?
Husband: Just regular size.
Waiter: You want marijuana?
Husband: No man. Just cerveza.
Me: Oh my!
2 minutes later…
Waiter: Your marijuana shot. *Tries to hand Husband a glass with dark liquor– a marijuana shot?*
Husband: *Hands up* No man, I don’t want that. Just a cerveza.
Waiter: You are sure?
Husband: Yeah. Please, just cerveza.
Me: Oh my God! Was that really a marijuana shot?!
(It wasn’t. It’s called Mamajuana. It’s the Dominican’s specialty drink, apparently. One of the workers gave us two samples to bring home and told us later it’s called “The Baby Maker.”)
“The Lord loves the vagina showing.”
Friend A: We should all have hoodrat nicknames.
Me: Like what?
Friend A: Lil’ something…
Friend B: Lil’ Bougie.
Me: Lil’ Tittie.
Friend A: What?!
Friend B: I feel like Lil’ Tit is better.
“Today I farted, and my dog woke up and looked at me to see if it was me.”
From a friend:
Daughter: Mom, boys are gross.
Mom: Why, [Daughter]?
Daughter: Well, they all smell like penis.
She makes a valid point.
I’ll leave you today with this cool geometric cat gif. I decided to name her Gemma.