Welp, it’s Monday again. Hope you’re not too hungover from all the beer and snacks yesterday. Let’s pretend the Wake Up Call is going to help…
Friend discussing symptoms of illness:
Friend A: I literally can’t feel anything. I’m numb all over.
Me: What about when you have sex?
Friend A: Surprisingly, I CAN feel that!
Friend B: This would be an ideal time to try butt stuff.
Friend A looks skeptical.
Friend B: You could always just have him stick a finger up there first, and see if you can feel it.
Sister: I wish we were conjoined twins.
(She doesn’t wish this very often.)
“Fuck dresses. It should be bikinis and nipple tassels. If I’m going to Cancun, I’m getting a Brazilian.”
“I called someone a weiner today, and it made me think of you.”
Sister: Sometimes I have to touch my own ears when I’m in public and see a good pair that I can’t touch.
(My sister has this weird thing about touching ears. She always has. It’s strange.)
“I kind of look like a colonial man, with my little ponytail.”
From a teacher friend about students she interacted with during her student teaching experience:
I got called a cunt, a prostitute who would work for Skittles, and once, a dumb blonde bitch who will never get a boyfriend. And that one hurt the most. Because it could have some truth behind it.
Aren’t children wonderful?
Good luck today, friends.