Good morning! I am feeling a little under the weather today, but could never fail to bring you your weekly wake up call! Tackle this week like my friend Bob:
Sister: She’s trying to stick her finger in my mouth.
Me: …Well, her nose actually.
Sister: Like that’s better?!
“You know I’m afraid of sunglasses. I feel like I’m missing out on something when I have them on. I’m always looking over them.”
“Boyfriend threw up in a glass last night. Then, this morning, I took a sip of water… It was not water. It tasted as bad as it smelled. I think it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Discussing Golden Showers…
Friend, to her husband: What are you talking about? We do it all the time!
Friend’s Husband: (in horror) No, we definitely don’t!
Friend: Wait, doesn’t that just mean that you pee in the shower?
Friend’s Husband: No! It’s when I pee on you…
Friend: Oh my God, no! We don’t do that!
“And then the baby was crying like a bitch.”
“You look like you could steal a gem with those gloves on.”
Me: A glass of red wine is good for me– it’s good for your cholesterol.
Husband: Babe, that’s just a lie white women tell themselves.