Wake Up Call #13

Good morning! I am feeling a little under the weather today, but could never fail to bring you your weekly wake up call! Tackle this week like my friend Bob:

2017-03-12 13.05.58-1

Sister: She’s trying to stick her finger in my mouth.

Me: …Well, her nose actually.

Sister: Like that’s better?!


“You know I’m afraid of sunglasses. I feel like I’m missing out on something when I have them on. I’m always looking over them.”


“Boyfriend threw up in a glass last night. Then, this morning, I took a sip of water… It was not water. It tasted as bad as it smelled. I think it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”


Discussing Golden Showers…

Friend, to her husband: What are you talking about? We do it all the time!

Friend’s Husband: (in horror) No, we definitely don’t!

Friend: Wait, doesn’t that just mean that you pee in the shower?

Friend’s Husband: No! It’s when I pee on you…

Friend: Oh my God, no! We don’t do that!


“And then the baby was crying like a bitch.”


“You look like you could steal a gem with those gloves on.”


Me: A glass of red wine is good for me– it’s good for your cholesterol.

Husband: Babe, that’s just a lie white women tell themselves.

(No it’s not. It’s true.)

wine 2

Cheers bitches.



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