When I got home from work yesterday, Husband said to me, “Bob’s coming over. I told him you get a boner for popping things, so you need to pop a boil in his ear.”
“What? A boil? I don’t know if that’s in my repertoire…”
(I was going to put a picture of an ear boil here, but some of them were just too gross. If you really want to see one, look it up on Google images. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
Bob arrived a few minutes later, wearing Husband’s jacket.
“It was gifted to me,” he said as he casually popped open a button before coming over to give me a hug.
“Bob! Don’t come up here,” Husband shouted from upstairs, “I farted and it’s really stinky!” (I would also like to add here that my husband had not slept in twenty four hours at this point, so he was a little delirious.)
Husband made his way downstairs, and walked over to Bob, who was sitting on the couch. “Bob. Bex is going to pop your boil.”
“Oh yeah!” Bob said, a smile spreading across his face. “Come look at it! It hurts so bad.”
The three of us went to stand near the light at the window; Bob pulled his ear lobe down so that Husband and I could peer into it.
“Can you see it?” Bob said eagerly.
“Yeah, I think so. Shine your flashlight on it.” Which he did. “Yeah… I don’t think I can do it. You’re going to have to do it, babe.”
Husband clapped his hands and pointed at me, “Ok, Bex: Go get two Q-Tips.” Then he turned to our patient, “Bob: lay down on the couch. I’m going to need to straddle you in order to do this.”
I went to get the tools, and we got set up. Bob laid face-down on the couch. Husband straddled him, Q-Tips poised for popping. I shined the light into Bob’s ear. And then, obviously, Nellie wanted to see what everyone was doing without her, so she jumped into the mix as well.
“Nellie get out of here!” Husband tried to elbow her out of the way. But Nellie has a habit of finding a way to get in, no matter how well you think you’re blocking her.
After a couple tries, Husband directed me to go get a bobby pin because the two Q-Tips were not strong enough.
“Are you ready?” Husband asked.
“Yes,” Bob replied, sounding strained. “But I think Nellie is licking my butt.” We once again removed Nellie from the operating area, and made a push to pop.
“I don’t think it’s ready!” I shouted as Bob groaned in pain.
“I almost got it!” Husband said excitedly.
Bob continued to groan, scrunching up his face.
“If it makes you feel any better,” I told Bob, “Nellie is humping Steve right now.”
“Nellie, get out of here!” Husband pushed her out of the way.
“That does make me feel slightly better. Thank you, Bex.” Bob half-laughed, half-groaned.
“Ok, I think that’s as good as it’s going to get, Bob,” Husband said as he climbed off of his friend.
“Keep going. It hurts so bad. Finish it, please.”
“No dude. I’m not going to, like, dig a hole in your ear. Come back over tomorrow and we’ll do it again.”
Bob stood up and looked around. “I feel like I can hear so much better now.”
“This is going on the blog,” I told them.
“Dude, this is the second time I’ll be front page on the blog this week!” and he reached to high five Steve. Then he turned to me and said, “It’s so difficult being your muse.”
As I wrote this–immediately following our boiling-popping adventure– they were playing a video game in the other room. I just heard Bob say, “Dude, let’s stage a fake wrestling match–”
I’m going to go ahead and say that our patient has made a full recovery.
PS Thanks guys for recreating our popping shots. You’re the real winners today.