Good morning! Do you like my leggings? My sister said they’re embarrassing, but I think they’re glorious.
I hope your week is out of this world! 😉
Sister, to our girlfriends group text: I just saw a post from a bachelorette* party in Arizona, and they went hiking. If any of you bitches make me hike on a bachelorette party, I’ll be pissed.
Friend: Last night [friend] was talking about his bachelor party. They might go hiking, and [Friend’s Husband] goes, “What the fuck? I’m not hiking.”
*Why does “bachelorette” always have the red, squiggly, misspelled line underneath it?! It’s a word, people.
“I’ll never forget the time I almost got crushed by a piano.”
“I like when the wind blows up my nose.”
“He doesn’t have a mirror in his room, but he does have his kindergarten graduation diploma framed above his bed. I asked him, ‘Is that your diploma from kindergarten?!’ and he was like, ‘Yep.’ And then that was the end of the conversation.”
Friend A: After we saw about a 100 commercials for it, we decided to do genetic DNA tests, but [her husband/ Friend B] was so distraught because he thought he was Cherokee Indian, and instead we found out he was Inbred Jewish.
Friend B: We named our dog CHEROKEE. It was a little upsetting. Also, I’m not inbred.
Me: Babe, fix your hat, it’s, like, weird and tucked behind your ear.
Husband: Dude, you’re wearing cat pants*, and you’re worried about what my hat looks like?!
*See photo above
“Put that in your blog and smoke it!”