Back to work for me this morning. I had a lovely break, and the good news is…Here we goooooo!!!!
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Me: Nellie growls when she wants attention.
Friend 1: Yeah, me too.
Friend 2: Yeah, [Friend 1] just sits in his room and growls, so I’ll pop my head in: “Hey man, you ok? Heard you growling.”
He has this weird obsession with boobs and butts, so I call him Nipple Boy. And I’m Boobie Mommy.
-Friend, about son
My church has little, like shot glasses for the wine, and my brother-in-law called me out one day because I tapped the glass down before I drank it.
-“Sober Friend” (He gave up booze for Lent)
So, I was talking to this girl who was really short– like under five feet– and I kept getting on my knees so I could hear her. [He is 6’8”.]
The next morning I woke up, and I was like, “Ugh, why am I me?”
-“Sober Friend” (He wasn’t sober in that story.)
Me: This music sounds like a porno.
Friend 1: What kind of porn do you watch?!
Friend 2: Romantic ones!
“I’ve been thinking of really mean things to do to people. The other day I said, ‘I’ll stick six pointy pencils up her butt.'”
[Daughter] was being a turd in the mall, and I threatened to feed her to the Easter Bunny… Does that make me a bad mom, or a creative one?
When she told Grandma on me, my mom said, “Don’t worry, there’s a man inside.”
I looked at [Daughter] and said, “See, the Easter Bunny eats adults, too. You would be a snack.”
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Luckily, the Easter Bunny is now gone for a year, no need to worry about being eaten… Until next spring, at least.
Have a great week!