Good morning! We slept like babies in our house last night because this stud ran a marathon yesterday! As I said on Twitter, I think he’s insane, but I love him anyways (because of it, really).
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Husband: *Tosses phone to me* Babe! Don’t close your eyes when people throw things to you!
“Hm, just found that in my hair.”
-Friend, handing me a tack.
“Have you ever felt your ears? They’re like a baby’s bottom!”
“I want you to pee my pants.”
(This was said by an acquaintance, after a very long day/ night of drinking. I’m sure this wasn’t the intended meaning, but then again, I’m not sure what the intended meaning would be.)
“When you’re constipated, it’s like your pushing a baby out of your butthole.”
Friend A: While I am thinking of it, I would like to sincerely apologize for any offensive language spoken and unspoken that I may put out there. Also, please forgive me for offending you and/ or your future and past relatives while under full knowledge that should you be anyone else, your thoughts mean little to me, and shit, you never want to hear what I think about the majority of the population of the earth.
Friend B: Haha I love your offensive thoughts.
Friend A: I would love to tell people to suck my lady-size nuts.
Friend B: People could only be so lucky.
And this conversation, inspired by a pair of fun socks:
Here’s to hoping all of your most pure dreams come true this week: