Tomorrow is the 4th of July! Summer is seriously flying by! I’m doing a little early celebrating with my girlfriends today– yay!– and more celebrating tomorrow, so I’m over here, like
Enjoy the holiday, friends, and be safe!!
– – –
Me: Just an FYI guys, I’m running low on wake up call material. I’m gonna need your best work this weekend.
Friend 1: I promise you will have PLENTY of material after this one.
Friend 2: Blackout. Got it.*
*Please drink responsibly.
So we’re in the customs line to get into the country, and [Friend] is behind me, asking me what paperwork he needs to take out. I turned around to tell him, and the customs woman said, “No. You look at me.” I was terrified of her, so I literally would not look away from her face, and [Friend] kept asking me questions, but I wouldn’t turn around. It was probably the scariest moment of my life.
-Friend going through customs in Russia
I bought one of those Russian hats with the ear flaps from a homeless man. [Friend] bought one in a store, but mine was more authentic [and gross]. We were on a bus tour, and we tried to wear our hats off the bus, but the driver stopped us from getting off and was like, “No. You American. Bang-bang.”
-(Same) Friend, in Russia*
*Russia is a scary place.
Me: Was she [Friend’s friend’s blind date] cute?
Friend: Well, I mean, she wasn’t bad looking, but she was wearing, like, Bermuda jorts. On a date.
Friend: So [Daughter] really reminded me of you just a few minutes ago… I looked over, and she was dancing to nothing, but there must have been a song playing in her head. Then she took a minute, farted, looked up at me, smiled a creepy smile, and then went back to dancing to nothing!!
Me: Bahahahaha I’m so proud of her!!
Friend: Loved the post from today… I can totally picture a small you falling off her bike and walking it home. Haha I can actually picture you right now falling off a bike. [Laughing emojiis]*
*I am clearly the most graceful human being to
walk ride the planet.
Stranger: Oh, we’re on the struggle bus today.
Father-in-Law: The what?
Stranger: The struggle bus! I’m hungover!
FIL: Oh, I’ve never heard of that, but I’ve been on it a time or two!
Stranger: Yeah, I’m on it once or twice a week!
FIL: Well, I fired the bus driver!
Stranger: Ha! Until you realize you ARE the bus driver!
– – –
Remember, you are the bus driver!