Wake Up Call #26

Tomorrow is the 4th of July! Summer is seriously flying by! I’m doing a little early celebrating with my girlfriends today– yay!– and more celebrating tomorrow, so I’m over here, like

 

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And also,

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So basically,

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Enjoy the holiday, friends, and be safe!!

– – –

Me: Just an FYI guys, I’m running low on wake up call material. I’m gonna need your best work this weekend.

Friend 1: I promise you will have PLENTY of material after this one.

Friend 2: Blackout. Got it.*

*Please drink responsibly.

 


 

So we’re in the customs line to get into the country, and [Friend] is behind me, asking me what paperwork he needs to take out. I turned around to tell him, and the customs woman said, “No. You look at me.” I was terrified of her, so I literally would not look away from her face, and [Friend] kept asking me questions, but I wouldn’t turn around. It was probably the scariest moment of my life.

-Friend going through customs in Russia

 


 

I bought one of those Russian hats with the ear flaps from a homeless man. [Friend] bought one in a store, but mine was more authentic [and gross]. We were on a bus tour, and we tried to wear our hats off the bus, but the driver stopped us from getting off and was like, “No. You American. Bang-bang.”

-(Same) Friend, in Russia*

*Russia is a scary place.

 


 

Me: Was she [Friend’s friend’s blind date] cute?

Friend: Well, I mean, she wasn’t bad looking, but she was wearing, like, Bermuda jorts. On a date.

 


 

Friend: So [Daughter] really reminded me of you just a few minutes ago… I looked over, and she was dancing to nothing, but there must have been a song playing in her head. Then she took a minute, farted, looked up at me, smiled a creepy smile, and then went back to dancing to nothing!!

Me: Bahahahaha I’m so proud of her!!

 


 

Friend: Loved the post from today… I can totally picture a small you falling off her bike and walking it home. Haha I can actually picture you right now falling off a bike. [Laughing emojiis]*

*I am clearly the most graceful human being to walk ride the planet.

 


 

Stranger: Oh, we’re on the struggle bus today.

Father-in-Law: The what?

Stranger: The struggle bus! I’m hungover!

FIL: Oh, I’ve never heard of that, but I’ve been on it a time or two!

Stranger: Yeah, I’m on it once or twice a week!

FIL: Well, I fired the bus driver!

Stranger: Ha! Until you realize you ARE the bus driver!

– – –

Remember, you are the bus driver!

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