Greetings from across the pond, friends! (Well, currently I’m across the pond, but I originally wrote this from my basement. Wasn’t sure how much internet access I would have…)
Yesterday we went to Platform 9 3/4 and saw Harry Potter and the Cursed Child!!!! OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod! I was like a little kid on Christmas. To say it was an amazing day would be an understatement.
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Husband and I gave my dad a birthday card with an eagle on the front. Inside it said something about fortitude and being strong, and the punchline was, With all that, who needs hair? My dad hands it to show my grandma, who looks at it, and before even opening it, says, “That has too much hair for you!”
Friend is giving her daughter and son a bath…
Friend: [Daughter], what are you doing?
Daughter: What? I’m looking at his weiner!
Daughter: There’s nothing else to look at!
Friend: Guys, I feel like I might need an exorcism.
Me: What? Why?
Friend: I don’t know. I’ve just been feeling really weird all day. And I’ve sneezed like a thousand times.
Story from a friend
I made this “Firecracker” brownie*; I was supposed to find out if I got into a new school, and I was going to eat my firecracker and splash around in the pool to celebrate.
But I got waitlisted. I said “Fuck it,” and ate my Firecracker.
I ordered pizza, but it was taking so long, and I was kind of freaking out because of the Firecracker. I thought the pizza man was going to find me dead.
When the pizza finally came, I didn’t even eat a full slice. I just slid down in the chair and placed it on my belly.
And I woke up like that a couple hours later.
*Some sort of pot brownie
I can’t stop. It hurts.
-Friend, about farting
*Laying in bed, watching TV with Husband*
Husband: Which one of you farted? *Looking between the dog and me*
Me: It wasn’t me! It must’ve been Nellie! I don’t even smell it.
Husband: Ugh, I do!
5 minutes later, I turn and say something to Husband…
Husband: Oh my God, it was your breath…
Me: Wha- *realizes* My breath smells like dog fart?!*
Husband: Well, it was nice being married to you.
I hop out of bed to brush my teeth within an inch of their lives.
*This must have been karma for the time I told my sister her breath smelled like poop.
Me: (to my Mom’s dog) Why are you so weird?
Mom: (from another room) Rebecca, stop talking to yourself.
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Stay weird, my friends!