To Whom It May Concern:

I quit my job at the end of the school year, with no prospects of a new position. Since then, I’ve been applying here and there, and I had one phone interview.*

As we got closer and closer to vacation, I was applying for jobs less and less because I knew I was going to be out of the country for two weeks, and I didn’t think that would look very good if I got a call…

Prospective Employer: Hi, we’d love for you to come for an interview. Are you available on Tuesday next week?

Me: Unfortunately, I’m not.

PE: No problem, what about Wednesday?

Me: Nope.

PE: Ok… when are you available?

Me: In two weeks…

However, I was starting to get nervous. Luckily, at my previous job, I get paid throughout the summer, so I didn’t have to worry about zeroing out until August. I told myself I wouldn’t freak out until we got back from vacation.

Well, we’re back. And I’m officially freaking out.

I have one paycheck left on my summer pay, and no job prospects.

To WhomShit.

As a result, today’s post is a letter to potential employers, detailing the reasons I would be an excellent hire. You all already know how fabulous I am, obviously, so if you’re looking to hire someone for whatever it may be– really, I’ll walk your dog, make your coffee, organize your files, correct your grammar, edit your writing, analyze the theme of your latest read, digitize your photos– I’m your girl.

*After which, they never even called me. I know it was just a screener, but I think it’s common courtesy to at least send an email or call to say “We’ve decided to go in a different direction,” or whatever. -_-

– – –

To Whom It May Concern,

I am very tired of writing cover letters. It’s quite tedious. My name is Becca, and I’m awesome, and I’ll be good at whatever job you’re hiring for. I have a Master’s in the Education field, which basically qualifies me for anything, right?

I won’t bore you with my (many) achievements. Instead, here’s a quick list of reasons you should hire me.

  1. I will show you photos of my dog every morning. Her name is Nellie, and she is adorable.
  2. I will show you photos of my cat every afternoon. (Unless you’re not a cat person. People who are not cat people really seem to be vehemently against cats, so I’ll never show you a picture of my cat if that’s the case.)
  3. If you are a cat person, I will send you every funny cat photo/ GIF/ video I find. (Works for dogs, too.)
  4. I am always on time early. By at least ten minutes, if not more. (The number of times I’ve had to wait in my car so I’m not too early is more than I can count.)
  5. I am overly organized. My files are clearly labelled and sequential, my email inbox never exceeds 25, and I color-coordinate the pen I use to my outfit each day.
  6. I will bring you coffee and a muffin as a treat every Friday morning.
  7. I won’t bring stinky lunches. I promise never to heat up fish in the microwave. Or brussel sprouts.
  8. I am always down for happy hour. Any day of the week.
  9. I will buy the first round at happy hour. Go ahead, get the Vodka Red Bull.
  10. I will bring candy for everyone on Halloween. The good stuff, too. No bullshit candy like Dots.
    dots-candy

    Nobody really likes these, do they? Source

  11. I will buy you a thoughtful, personal gift for the Secret Santa that stays within the spending limit.
  12. I will convince everyone to chip in and get you a really nice birthday present that makes you cry.
  13. I will coo over pictures of your new baby/ dog/ cat/ elderly grandmother, even if I don’t really think they’re cute. (You’ll never be able to tell I don’t mean it.)
  14. I will share my fun pens with you, and pretend like it doesn’t bother me when you lose them.
  15. I will respond to every email in a timely fashion, with no errors in grammar.
  16. I will judge people with you when we both notice a grammatical mistake in an email.
  17. I will proofread your emails and memos so that you don’t become the grammar noob we judge.
  18. I will laugh at all of your jokes, even if you’ve told it to me before.
  19. I am patient. I worked with middle schoolers for six years, I can handle a cranky customer/ patient/ caller/ coworker/ mailman, no problem.
  20. I am kind. I will give you a hug or have a thirty-second dance party when you’re feeling sad.
  21. I am clean. If something explodes in the microwave, I will clean up my mess.
  22. I am creative. Need a presentation done? I’ll spend 20 minutes deciding on the font.
  23. I will never use Comic Sans.
  24. I am good with words. Can’t think of the word that would fit perfectly in your sentence? The word you’re looking for is flawless.
  25. I am a horrible liar. I’ll never be able to fake sick because you’ll know I’m faking it right away.
  26. I bring back excellent souvenirs when I go on vacation.
  27. I won’t make you look at photos from my vacation.
  28. I will convince you to finally read Harry Potter, and thus, change your life forever.
  29. I will not judge you if you get sorted into Slytherin.
  30. I will remind you that Hufflepuffs are the humble badasses of Hogwarts when you make fun of me for being one.
  31. I will keep the kitchen well-stocked with pick-me-up snacks. And when you’re on a diet, I will hide them from you.
  32. I will remind you to pick up your dry cleaning before they donate your clothes.
  33. If you’re married/ in a relationship, I will remind you to send your wife/ girlfriend/ husband/ boyfriend/ partner flowers for your anniversary.
  34. I will remind you when it’s your anniversary.
  35. If you’re single, I will help you set up your online dating profile.
  36. I will over-analyze with you every single detail of every date you go on.
  37. I will fill you in on all the juicy gossip I hear.
  38. I will discuss Game of Thrones, The Bachelor, House of Cards, The Big Bang Theory, or whatever TV show you’re into with you each week.
  39. I will send you Buzzfeed quizzes that are frivolous, but you must know the answer to. (For example, Which Badass Game of Thrones Woman Are You?)
    dany

    Fuck yes, I am Daenerys!!

  40. I will never, ever talk politics with you.
  41. I will answer the phone like this: “Ms./Mr. X, Queen/King of the Universe’s office. This is her/his most loyal and adored subject, how can I help you?”
  42. I love crossing things off my to-do list, so you’ll never have to remind me of any tasks.
  43. I am an overachiever, so all my work will be perfectly done ahead of time.
  44. I hoard paper clips. I will always have some when you run out.
  45. Same with sticky notes.
  46. I love organizing (see #5). I will happily go through, purge, and reorganize your files from the last ten years.
  47. I will let you know if your fly is down or you have food stuck in your teeth.
  48. I am honest. I will let you know if you’re acting a little crazy.
  49. I am empathetic. If the reason you’re acting crazy is because you had to put your dog down, I’ll tell you to go home.
  50. I have a big heart. After all of this, I will truly care about you, my coworkers, and the job that I do, and you will be able to tell.

So, yeah, as you can see, I am an intelligent, witty, well-educated, organized, badass person, and you’re definitely going to want to hire me.

Give me a call when you want to schedule the interview. (Don’t worry, I know it’s just a formality.)

Best Regards,

Becca @ The Married Cat Lady

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51 thoughts on “To Whom It May Concern:

  1. Sadly, I am not a manager. If I was, you sound like the sort of person I would find excuses to hire, just to have around.

    Since my mind blew a fuse on point 25, though, I need to go back and re-read the whole post. (You misspelled ‘know’ as ‘now’. I tried to make it make sense, but I cannot.)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. An excellent list of reasons to hire you, but, really, the ones that really stood out for me were the points about happy hour, fun pens, paper clips and sticky notes – all very essential things in my workplace (I work in a pharmacy). Everything else is a bonus πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Okay, first off – never more than 25 in your inbox? Is that even possible?

    If I had a business, or money (like, I won the lottery and had stacks of bills around the house just for decoration), I would hire you in a heartbeat. Especially because of #29 – the sorting hat must’ve been having a bad day about a month ago, because while hubby and our kids were all put into Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, I was… nope, can’t even say it… *whimper*

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Come up to Vancouver! You could come and get a job with me at UBC. Everyone seems sooo lovely and there is a huge pot of candy at the entrance to our office!

    (loads of paperclips and sticky notes too!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh, honestly friend, I’m not sure. For now, I think I need a bit of a break. I am currently writing a YA fiction novel though, so I know my work with kids isn’t over. It’s such a hard thing for me to grapple with, even just in answering this comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I feel ya, sister. I’m giving myself one more year at a Title 1 school. If it’s a rough year, I’m going to reevaluate what’s going to make me the most happy.

        That’s so exciting that you’re writing a book!! I’ve been tossing around ideas for a book, too, but I haven’t actually started. Are you self-publishing?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Not sure yet; I haven’t done a lot of research into the publishing part yet. Right now, I’m just trying to finish it! Ha!

        Good luck this year! Your happiness is #1 though. Like I mentioned before I think, I had a lot of guilt about leaving teaching, and then I remember that I needed to do what was best for me– because my happiness (and sanity) matter the most.

        Liked by 2 people

      • If I find some info on publishing, I’ll send it your way.

        Don’t feel guilt, girl. Let me say it again, don’t.feel.guilt! SO MANY people leave the profession for 100% legit reasons. Until they start paying us what we’re worth and providing safe, non-hostile work places, people will continue to leave for their own sanity.

        Liked by 1 person

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