The OFFICIAL Guide to Crushing it at Your New Job

So, you got a new job– congratulations! Now, the question is, how do you go in and crush it? I’m here to tell you how in a few easy steps. Follow these steps, and you’ll be sure to kick some new-job ass.

crushing it

STEP 1:  Arrive early

I know, this one seems obvious. Of course, you don’t want to be late,  but you need to be early early, like sit-and-wait-in-your-car-for-twenty-minutes early, especially on your very first day.

This gives you plenty of time to increase your anxiety ten-fold. By the time you walk in the door, your hands should be shaking, and your stomach should be doing flip-flops.

If you feel like you may vomit, you’ve done it correctly.


STEP 2: Eat lunch alone

You had plenty of friends at your old job, right? Plenty of inside jokes and understood facial expressions? Well, not anymore!

You’ll eat lunch by yourself; simultaneously hoping someone in your department walks by and invites you to go to lunch with them, while also fearing that someone in your department walks by and sees you sitting alone like a loser.

A crucial realization develops as a result of this horrifying step: you need new work-friends.

STEP 3: Bring snacks

The most sure-fire way to make friends is to bribe them with food.

Ideally, you should make something from scratch; the scent should waft through the work area, so that people wander over asking, “What smells so good?” Then, encourage them to shovel your baked good or dip into their mouths until they adore you.

(Store bought will still achieve the desired results, although you will  need to casually mention that you brought snacks, rather than rely on the scent.)

For additional security, keep snacks near your desk, readily available for wandering co-workers/ future friends.


STEP 4: Overanalyze EVERYTHING

Reread your emails a minimum of 17 times to ensure there are no grammatical mistakes, you’re sending it to all the correct people, it contains all pertinent information and attachments, and that your tone is not bitchy. Also include smiley faces, but only where appropriate.

Did you have a chat with a co-worker/ potential work-friend? Think about what you said– Was it clever? Did you try too hard? Did you talk about yourself too much? Did you laugh too hard? It’s likely you did just fine, but your brain needs to go through the motions in order to determine possible friendship.  (Brain: Unlikey. Reality: Possible.)

The next time you see this person, smile real large at them. Let them know that you definitely want to be their friend.

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STEP 5: Nod

When you start your new job, you have a lot to learn. You’ll go through days and days of onboarding, group trainings, and day-to-day task training.

It is essential that your trainer(s) know you understand what they’re saying. To do so, you should nod along enthusiastically.*

In order to determine the correct amount of head-nodding, you should being to feel like a bobble-head toy. Anything less, and your new employer may think you’re an idiot.

*Nod along even if you don’t understand. Ask questions later. (See below)

STEP 6: Ask Questions

You’re new. It’s understandable that you’ll need clarifications or reminders from time-to-time. If you do, don’t be afraid to ask.

HOWEVER, do not ask a thousand questions at once. Keep it to one or two at a time. You don’t want to annoy your new boss or co-workers with your incessant questioning. Not to mention that it will make you look like an idiot.

Space out your questions throughout the day, and ask them when the provider of information doesn’t look busy (i.e. they’re playing on their phone).


STEP 7: Bathroom Etiquette

This could quite possibly be the more important step, so listen carefully: BATHROOM ETIQUETTE IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.

There are a few aspects of bathroom etiquette.

  1. When you go into the bathroom do not go into a stall directly next to someone, unless it is the only one open.
  2. If you’re going to poop, try to avoid crowds. Go right away in the morning (before co-workers arrive) or after everyone else leaves. If there’s a secluded bathroom, use that one.
  3. Wash your hands. (This should go without saying, but you’d be surprised…)

STEP 8: Office Supplies

Raid the Target dollar section: collect adorable file folders with kitties and zebras on them, buy a cute stapler that may or may not be functional, snag the adorable but useless elephant figurine.

Use these items not only to personalize your work-space, but also to show people how quirky and adorable you are. (Plus, let’s be honest, it’s just a valid reason to peruse the dollar section.)

When your spouse asks how you spend $200 at Target, explain that all of it is for your new job, and thus, rational spending. (Do not show him or her the adorable but useless elephant figurine.)

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– – –

So there you go! If you follow these eight* easy steps, you’re going to totally crush it at your new job!

*I was originally going to do ten, but I’ve been very busy crushing it at work. 😉

Any other important steps I missed? Share your essential steps in the comments!

P.S. Don’t worry, I’m doing great at my new job, and really love it. 🙂


29 thoughts on “The OFFICIAL Guide to Crushing it at Your New Job

  1. I’m so glad you love your new job, Becca! I hope you go back to teaching eventually so you can meet some more little Natally’s out there who need a role model (but wouldn’t ever replace the OG one because, let’s face it, she’s the best). ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great that the new job is going good!

    I have to wonder now though; is it a mental block that when you mention checking grammar, you make a grammatical error? (Point 4, you’re instead of your.)

    Honest, I only bring it up because I do it and it amuses me that it happens! Not being ‘judge-y’!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becca, you’re wonderful. Even though I don’t need to carve myself a space at work, being ‘a woman of leisure’, I just know that I would have loved you from the first moment in my team…. The food aspect will draw ppl to you like a magnet I’m sure 🙂 I’m happy for you to have found such a great new employment. Have fun and a great time. Lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I maybe should add something I found difficult to ‘swallow’. always having made friends easily, there is always at least one person who just decides to hate you because you are ‘yourself’…. I worked in several international companies and one of the ‘big wigs assistants’ was always rather nasty to me. One day I asked her what the problem was she obviously had with me and she said: Oh you’re always ‘happy’ (I wasn’t), you have a part-time job, a family, a dog, everybody loves you…. Couldn’t help her – sadly – and she made herself so unhappy at her workplace that in the end, her boss let her go – I often thought of her because with her attitude it must have been difficult to find another job (She was very good at her work, just her ‘social skills’ let a lot to be desired). No such trouble would be had with you…. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been at my current job for several years, so I sometimes train the newbies, and I tell them it’s mandatory to bring baked goods for everyone. I’ll pass on the other tips 😉
    Also, not sure how your tax system works, but here you could probably claim office supplies on tax too! It is a work expense after all


  6. Reblogged this on Ben's Bitter Blog and commented:
    As part of my new weekly post called “Reblogging others to get better stats”, I am choosing one really good post from another blogger in order to assure that at least one post per week is good on my blog. Anyways, this post was particularly good because I am searching for a job and if I ever do get one, it will be nice to try and fail to do all these things in this post. Anyways, enjoy the only good post I put on my blog this week.

    Liked by 1 person

    Haha. I am starting a new job soon at TOTALLY going to bribe them with food into loving me ***evil laugh***

    But seriously your sense of humour is just …. beyond!

    Liked by 1 person

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