Wake Up Call #47


2017 was… interesting, but I realized something in looking back on it when I jumped on the #bestnine trend on Instagram:

Which of course makes me want to be sappy for just a minute. (These posts are supposed to be motivational, right?)

In the spirit of #NewYearSameMe, it’s time to make some resolutions we’ll forget about by March, stop drinking basically every night, and clean up the decorations that have started to feel like clutter. (They’re all fun and sparkly until January 2nd; then they need to go.)

Remember before Christmas when I asked for holiday-related Wake Up Call submissions? Yeah? Well, I got two. Which I guess was ok, since I didn’t write a wake up call on Christmas. Luckily, my family was pretty funny over the holidays. (And, coincidentally, both submissions came from family.)

So, here’s your first wake up call of 2018. May it make you giggle and help ease your hangover.

P.S. I stumbled upon this great Buzzfeed article from three years ago. It’s filled with cats who understand your hangover. You’re welcome.

– – –

Grandma: You’re supposed to suck on it, not bite it!

Mom: It’s in HER mouth. She do whatever she wants with it!

Moment of silence while Mom and I make awkward eye contact, then bust out laughing. Sexual innuendos bring us closer together.

(We were eating little pink hard balls for decorating cookies.)




One Christmas my sister made cupcakes that called for a cup of coffee. However, rather than putting in a cup of brewed coffee, like you’re supposed to, she put coffee grounds in it. She was super proud of them and made everyone try them. They were awful.

(My sister submitted this. They were my cupcakes. I’ve never lived this down. Although, for the record, one of my cousins liked them! He ate two!)



Sister: I relate to Buddy the Elf on a spiritual level.



Sister: Why is this on your tree?! This ornament is mine!

Me: Which one?

*Holds up little sparkly  bear ornament.*

Sister: Ms. O’Leary gave me this ornament! It was a gift… It was the year 2000.

*Holds ornament to herchest*

I’m taking it.



Friend: My brother-in-law kept getting helpings of bean salad. Then after his third plate said, “Oh man, now I’m going to be farting during Carol Burnett!”



Mom: I think there’s a hole in my cup. A minute ago it was full of Jingle Juice!



Sister: Remember when I wrote a letter to Santa and signed it Rachel [LastName], so he knew Becca didn’t write it?

– – –

Cheers to 2018 my friends, may it be filled with as much laughter, love, and happiness as wearing gold glitter lipstick brought my girlfriends.




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