The OFFICIAL Guide to Crushing it at Your New Job

So, you got a new job– congratulations! Now, the question is, how do you go in and crush it? I’m here to tell you how in a few easy steps. Follow these steps, and you’ll be sure to kick some new-job ass.

STEP 1:  Arrive early

I know, this one seems obvious. Of course, you don’t want to be late,  but you need to be early early, like sit-and-wait-in-your-car-for-twenty-minutes early, especially on your very first day.

This gives you plenty of time to increase your anxiety ten-fold. By the time you walk in the door, your hands should be shaking, and your stomach should be doing flip-flops.

If you feel like you may vomit, you’ve done it correctly.

 

STEP 2: Eat lunch alone

You had plenty of friends at your old job, right? Plenty of inside jokes and understood facial expressions? Well, not anymore!

You’ll eat lunch by yourself; simultaneously hoping someone in your department walks by and invites you to go to lunch with them, while also fearing that someone in your department walks by and sees you sitting alone like a loser.

A crucial realization develops as a result of this horrifying step: you need new work-friends.

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STEP 3: Bring snacks

The most sure-fire way to make friends is to bribe them with food.

Ideally, you should make something from scratch; the scent should waft through the work area, so that people wander over asking, “What smells so good?” Then, encourage them to shovel your baked good or dip into their mouths until they adore you.

(Store bought will still achieve the desired results, although you will  need to casually mention that you brought snacks, rather than rely on the scent.)

For additional security, keep snacks near your desk, readily available for wandering co-workers/ future friends.

 

STEP 4: Overanalyze EVERYTHING

Reread your emails a minimum of 17 times to ensure there are no grammatical mistakes, you’re sending it to all the correct people, it contains all pertinent information and attachments, and that your tone is not bitchy. Also include smiley faces, but only where appropriate.

Did you have a chat with a co-worker/ potential work-friend? Think about what you said– Was it clever? Did you try too hard? Did you talk about yourself too much? Did you laugh too hard? It’s likely you did just fine, but your brain needs to go through the motions in order to determine possible friendship.  (Brain: Unlikey. Reality: Possible.)

The next time you see this person, smile real large at them. Let them know that you definitely want to be their friend.

 

STEP 5: Nod

When you start your new job, you have a lot to learn. You’ll go through days and days of onboarding, group trainings, and day-to-day task training.

It is essential that your trainer(s) know you understand what they’re saying. To do so, you should nod along enthusiastically.*

In order to determine the correct amount of head-nodding, you should being to feel like a bobble-head toy. Anything less, and your new employer may think you’re an idiot.

*Nod along even if you don’t understand. Ask questions later. (See below)

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STEP 6: Ask Questions

You’re new. It’s understandable that you’ll need clarifications or reminders from time-to-time. If you do, don’t be afraid to ask.

HOWEVER, do not ask a thousand questions at once. Keep it to one or two at a time. You don’t want to annoy your new boss or co-workers with your incessant questioning. Not to mention that it will make you look like an idiot.

Space out your questions throughout the day, and ask them when the provider of information doesn’t look busy (i.e. they’re playing on their phone).

 

STEP 7: Bathroom Etiquette

This could quite possibly be the more important step, so listen carefully: BATHROOM ETIQUETTE IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.

There are a few aspects of bathroom etiquette.

1. When you go into the bathroom do not go into a stall directly next to someone, unless it is the only one open.
2. If you’re going to poop, try to avoid crowds. Go right away in the morning (before co-workers arrive) or after everyone else leaves. If there’s a secluded bathroom, use that one.
3. Wash your hands. (This should go without saying, but you’d be surprised…)

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STEP 8: Office Supplies

Raid the Target dollar section: collect adorable file folders with kitties and zebras on them, buy a cute stapler that may or may not be functional, snag the adorable but useless elephant figurine.

Use these items not only to personalize your work-space, but also to show people how quirky and adorable you are. (Plus, let’s be honest, it’s just a valid reason to peruse the dollar section.)

When your spouse asks how you spend $200 at Target, explain that all of it is for your new job, and thus, rational spending. (Do not show him or her the adorable but useless elephant figurine.)

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So there you go! If you follow these eight* easy steps, you’re going to totally crush it at your new job!

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*I was originally going to do ten, but I’ve been very busy crushing it at work. 😉

Any other important steps I missed? Share your essential steps in the comments!

P.S. Don’t worry, I’m doing great at my new job, and really love it. 🙂