To be opened April 16, 2007

13-b

I specifically remember taking this photo. I had a huge crush on the boy next to me and was trying to smile like I didn’t care about being in this picture/ him touching me.

This is what I looked like when I was thirteen. I was a big dork. And, let’s face it, I’m still a big dork.

I had this weird emotional, I don’t want to say relationship, but maybe, attachment to, or reliance on my older self. For example, I was the last of my friends to get boobs, and I would constantly think about my older self and my (future) giant rack.

“Just wait ’till I’m in high school and my boobs are bigger than everyone else’s.” I once wrote in my diary.

I had a lot of self esteem issues– what teenage girl doesn’t?– and I think I dealt with them by dreaming of the future when these struggles would no longer be an issue.

To this day, I sometimes look in the mirror and think to myself, “If only thirteen year-old you could see you now. She’d be so happy you turned out so cute.”

One random afternoon when I was around thirteen, I was lying in my bedroom, doodling in my diary and watching Lizzie McGuire, thinking about getting older, when I had a stroke of genius: I’m going to write a letter to my older self!

I immediately grabbed a notebook and started writing. I decided I would read my letter when I turned eighteen because I’d be so old by then. As I was writing I thought about becoming an adult, having a real boyfriend, having sex! Oh my God. Would I ever really be old enough to experience these things?

And I started to feel a little nostalgic for my young days. The ones I was living right then, but couldn’t wait to get out of. It’s a nice little paradox when you think about it: 13 year-old Becca thinking about being 18 year-old Becca feeling nostalgic for the innocence of 13 year-old Becca. Ha.

After finishing up my letter, I sealed it in an envelope– licked and taped for good measure– and labelled it with the warning: NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL APRIL 16, 2007.

2017-02-02-16-21-48

I gave the letter to my mom with strict instructions:

“Put this somewhere safe, and I want you to give it to me on my eighteenth birthday. It’s really important, so don’t lose it.”

“What is it?” she asked, flipping the envelope over to read the warning.

“It’s a letter from me, to my older self,” I told her matter-of-factly. “I need  you to keep it, so I’m not tempted to open it before I turn eighteen.”

“Oh,” she smiled and nodded. Putting on a serious face, she marched into her bedroom and hid the letter in her underwear drawer– where everything that needed to be kept safe went, obviously.

The years passed, my boobs did get (a little) bigger (it wasn’t until college and I gained some weight that they really met my expectations). I got a real boyfriend, I was a cheerleader, I was getting ready for college, I was going to parties and smoking cigarettes, and just being all-around cool.

As “cool” as I was, I never forgot about that letter. So when my eighteenth birthday finally rolled around, I couldn’t wait to read it.

We were sitting around the kitchen table, eating cookie cake when I brought it up.

“Mom, do you have that letter I gave you?”

“What letter?”

“The one I wrote to myself when I was like thirteen!”

She blinked at me.

“Seriously?! Did you lose it?”

“I didn’t think you’d remember! I don’t think I actually threw it out. I just don’t know where it is.” She got up to go look for it in her underwear drawer.

I looked over at my BFF and my super cool, in-a-band boyfriend and rolled my eyes, but inside I was crossing my fingers; I really hoped she still had it. My mom came out of her bedroom empty-handed.

“I’m really sorry honey,” she said, “but I can’t find it.”

“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal,” I said nonchalantly, even though I was totally devastated.

Fast forward another few years, through college, to twenty-something Becca; I was cleaning things out, getting ready to move into my new apartment with my much-cooler, future-husband boyfriend. All of a sudden, my mom came flying into my bedroom.

“Guess what I found?!” she shouted, waving an envelope around giddily.

“What is it?” I asked, looking up from the pile of notes that I had saved from high school.

“It’s your letter! The one you wrote to yourself!”

“The one you couldn’t find on my eighteenth birthday?” I said, narrowing my eyes at her.

“Yes. Whatever. I didn’t think you’d remember. Or maybe I just forgot about it. You were kind of strange.”

“Where was it?” I asked, reaching my hand out for the envelope.

“In my underwear drawer.”

“Seriously? I checked in there so many times for it!”

“Really? You weirdo!” she said, flicking me.

I ignored her, studying the envelope and my goofy, loopy, seventh grade handwriting. I opened the envelope and started reading the letter out loud…

4-6-02
Dear Becca,

First of all ~*HaPpY BiRtHdAy!*~ Obviously, it’s almost my 13th birthday! Hehehe As I’m writing this I am thinking OMG! I’m sooooo scared to grow up. I’m not sure y exactly but I am! Wow! While your reading this today should be April 16, 2007 I should be 18 years old! Wow! I’m old lol! So do I know wat college I’m going to? @ the point in my life I am rite now my plan is to either just go to Saint Xavier or to start @ Moraine Valley 4 my 1st 2 yrs & then go to Saint Xavier but hey! it could’ve changed! Do I still want to open my own photography studio? B4 I go on I just want 2 say this is kind of scary writing to myself actually the 18 year old me! Am I still friends with Kate? Amy? What happened with Amanda? How is my puppy Baby? What about Precious? Is she alive? I hope so! Did Baby and Precious ever get along? Did I ever go out with Tom? Do I have a boyfriend rite now? Am I in love? Do I still play softball? I wish I could know all these answers now but I can’t. @ least by the time I’m 18 I’ll know what I wondered when I was 13. Another question. Have I had sex? What was it like? I know I’ll be reading this 5 years from now OMG I was such a dork. I hope that I am reading this with someone and laughing whether it be mom, dad, Rachel, Kate (if we’re still friends, my boyfriend, whoever. I have to go cuz I’m tired & stuff but always remember a few things 1. Enjoy life 2. Life goes on no matter what 3. always love family & friends 4. Love yourself! Again **~HaPpY 18th bIrThDaY! I love you! I love my family & alwayz will! Bye!

Rebecca Jane Garner
almost 13 years old
7th grade

P.S. Another thing to 2 remember (5.) Keep your head up high!

P.P.S 2morrow is Sunday 4-7-02 the day b4 I go bac to skool from spring break!

“This is gold.” I turned to look at my mom, who was a little teary. “Seriously? You just called me a weirdo thirty seconds ago!”

“I know, and you are, but you’re my weirdo,” she said, pulling me into a hug. “Let’s read this to Steve!” she said, perking up.

“No way! I don’t know if he’s ready for this level.”

“You’re moving in with him, he better be ready!”

In case you’re wondering: No, I am not friends with Kate and Amy any more. No, I never went out with Tom. Precious and Baby both died (and never got along prior to that). I had had sex by eighteen, and it was eh, but I did love him so it was ok. And most importantly, I stopped writing like that.

You can tell I was feeling that weird nostalgia at the end (I love my family and alwayz will); I remember getting to the end of the letter and being afraid that eighteen year-old me would be reading it alone without my family or something scary like that.

But I have to say, thirteen year old Becca did indeed spew some wisdom.  And it’s probably better that it wasn’t until I was twenty-three when I found this; I think I appreciated it more, and I was able to appreciate my level of dorkiness and the early nostalgia thirteen year-old Becca was feeling differently than I would have when I was eighteen.

And I’m glad I’m still a dork. I’m quirky, as my husband likes to put it, and it’s one of the things he loves about me actually. (I swear, it’s true! He said it in his vows!)

Thirteen year old Becca would be happy to know that I’m surrounded by wonderful people, whom I love very much, and who accept my quirkiness. No need for her to fret either, I still love my family, probably even more now than I did then (I definitely like my sister more now than I did back then). Even though I never went out with Tom, she’d be thrilled to know I married a hunk of a man who loves me, every weird bit. And I know she would appreciate how good my ta-tas look in a push-up bra.

You made it, girl.

Love you! Bye!
Rebecca Jane McDermott
27 years old
Grown-up

2017-02-02-17-35-37

2007

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “To be opened April 16, 2007

  1. Hi Becca, I loved this post, so candid and evocative. Time travel made real! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for showing the original letter too (letting us know the post was kosher). Also, thank you for the update, I’m sure I’m not alone in wondering about Amy and Kate etc. Times change, relationships change and ‘ta ta‘ size doesn’t really matter all that much in the end. ;-)


    Liked by 1 person

  2. How crazy that you just wrote this! Last night I went through a shoebox full of mementoes from grade school and high school. I was half laughing/crying at the memories. It really put me in the headspace of 13 year old me, isn’t weird to remember what we thought our futures would be like back then? You’re lucky you have this letter to remind you of how excited and optimistic you were for future Becca- it might be interesting to write at letter to another future Becca! Keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I had to write a letter like that in maybe 6th grade for school. They would keep the letter and return it to us at the time we agreed on, either high school graduation or when I turned 18. I forgot all about it until the day it arrived in the mail. Unfortunately I had no bits of wisdom. It was like I was writing a note to my friend. I remember sitting in the library writing it soon after swearing to myself I would never have a crush on the school hottie. (I was unsuccessful at that) Those are some fun memories to look back on

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow! How did you get the wisdom to write a future letter to yourself! This is super cool and I wish I have thought of that when I was young. Do you think it’s too late now that I’m (gulp) 40? I will suggest this to my 10 year old daughter to do. BTW, I don’t think you were a dork at all. I think you look so cute!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Loved reading your post! I still have things like secret diary books that I have kept with teenage musings in them. Feel the need to dig them out and have a read. I wonder what I would have written in my letter…! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. SUCH a good post! 🙂 really feeling nostalgic, considering I was 18 in 2007 as well. Or 19 maybe. I know I graduated. Although my rack never did meet my expectations xD oh well.
    I know I wrote many diaries, but I don’t think I ever wrote myself a letter. That would have actually been pretty cool.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: I’m Sorry, No… | The Married Cat Lady

  8. Pingback: To Be Opened April 16, 2002 | The Married Cat Lady

  9. Pingback: Please hold your applause | The Married Cat Lady

  10. I love this post!
    I think it’s great that you wrote a letter to your older self almost before it was cool to do so.
    Thank you for sharing this, proper made me giggle a couple of times and made me think about my own dorky younger self

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Love this! I can clearly remember feeling many of the ‘feels’ your 13-yr. old letter touches upon. I remember wondering how my body would look, who I would date, who I would marry, etc. A look into the future is all I wished for then. I couldn’t wait to race to each one of these milestones – couldn’t wait to grow up. Yes, your post was full of nostalgia, and I felt it for my past too. Would I go back? No. But, it is fun to reminisce. Your 13-yr. old self had some great advice for your older self. Thanks so much for sharing your personal story!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Blog of the Day: The Married Cat Lady | Suzie Speaks

Thoughts? Do tell!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s